I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
