Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
