We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize