you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
