Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
