first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize