If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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