Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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