Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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