What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
