Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
