Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize