We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
