I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
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