Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
