I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
