That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Randomize
