For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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