It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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