Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
