I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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