She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
