Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
