I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
