dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
