How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
