I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
