Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
