Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
