I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
