i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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