I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Enjoy the penises
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
