my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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