I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
