If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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