We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
