Please, let me fuck your mom
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
