mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
