They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
