Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
