Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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