just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
