I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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