I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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