I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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