why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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