My liver just broke up with me...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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