Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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