It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
