There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
