I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I cannot find my penis.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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