Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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