cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
