I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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