How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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