I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Two words: blizzard sex
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
