Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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