My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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